The past three years of parenthood has brought its share of challenges. One of our bigger challenges is finding a reliable babysitter.
Like most first-time parents, we wanted to be involved in every little thing. I remember both of us watching him nap and changing those first diapers together. Like most newbies, we wanted to be the perfect parents, forgetting you don’t achieve perfection, you strive for it. Little things like that kept us from going out much those first months.
Esther’s aunt Titi Luisa, the original baby whisperer, instinctively called and offered to watch the baby. The calls always came at the right time, giving us a chance to run a few errands or maybe go to Starbucks for a blissful hour in a baby-free environment.
It’s easy to get caught up in the perception of the perfection—especially when you grew up watching Brady Bunch reruns. I watch the Brady Bunch now and see Mike and Carol Brady knocking back a few cocktails and leaving the stressful stuff to Alice, the maid.
Titi Luisa wasn’t the only person who offered to watch Cristian during early days but as new parents we were a bit overprotective. Maybe our expectations are a bit unrealistic—our ideal babysitter had the compassion of Mother Theresa and the strength and the resiliency of a Navy Seal. We had a vetting process more stringent than the White House—of course I’ve heard their vetting process has slipped a bit over the past year.
Watching a three-month old baby is easy, just give him a bottle and wait for him to take a nap. It’s amazing how fast those initial babysitting offers dried up after the Cristian started walking—of course posts like this didn’t help either.
Babysitting a hyperactive three-year old without using Benadryl isn’t for the faint of heart. Your neighbor’s 13-year old daughter checking her Instagram page on her iPhone isn’t getting it done. Try that with Cristian and the house will look like Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria within 15 minutes.
We found an excellent babysitter who flew through our vetting process easily, a pleasant 30-something Central American woman. She came highly recommended by family members, and was bilingual. She was incredibly energetic, taking Cristian to the park, playing with him at home, and bringing an iPad to keep him entertained.
Our Latina Mary Poppins was very pricey—the GDP of a third-world country pricey. She was building her dream home in her country, babysitting Cristian allowed her to send home money to finance the construction. She stepped up when my dad was sick, babysitting Cristian at a moment’s notice, sometimes staying with him until late into the night. Rumor has it her waterfront villa has a wing in it named after, paid for from with babysitting earnings.
We’re currently vetting her replacement, because we didn’t want to put up a kidney as collateral as she priced tennis courts and an olympic-sized pool. Over the past months we’ve swapped babysitting chores with my in-laws—giving each other a breather by watching each other’s kids. So far, it’s worked out pretty well, the boys get a chance to play together, the adults get a night out, and Esther and I get to keep our vital organs.
It’s almost Christmas making it a perfect time to talk about holiday traditions. A new one for us is family Christmas cards. Back when I was single and happy, they were easy—I rarely sent out any. After getting married, my wife sent out cards for both of us. My contributions were limited to printing mailing labels and dropping the cards in the mailbox.
Becoming proud parents meant sending out family cards. We weren’t going for the preppy central casting version of the family posed in front of a fireplace wearing matching Christmas sweaters with a golden retriever in the foreground. We don’t have a fireplace, matching Christmas sweaters, or a dog.
I spent countless holiday seasons goofing on friends sending pictures of their kids that doubled as Christmas cards. The cards either said “we successfullyreproduced” or “here’s a picture of our precious child sitting on a creepy old man’s lap, what were we thinking.”
It’s amazing how becoming parents changes one’s perspective.
Before Cristian was born we sent out cards bearing the image of our practice child—Chico. We even took him to the mall one year getting a picture of him sitting on Santa’s lap. Looking back, Christmas came early for Chico that year as he humped Santa’s leg for a good ten minutes. That was the card we should have sent out.
A few years later it was Cristian’s turn as we took our infant child to the mall to meet Santa. It should have been a no-brainer. Cristian was all smiles that day, Esther picked the perfect outfit and we timed his nap perfectly. What could go wrong?
It started after leaving him in the hands of an old man smelling of Ben Gay and malt liquor then backing away. He didn’t cry because mommy and daddy were nearby making silly faces, but the deer in the headlights look was not what we were going for.
The following year Esther’s sister and son Justin met us at the mall. They boys had a great time playing as the line slowly moved forward. We hoped Justin flashing Santa a smile as he tried convincing Santa to leave an extra toy of two under the tree would motivate Cristian—it didn’t. He threw a tantrum Mariah Carey would have been proud of.
Last year we skipped the mall and headed to Hicks, a garden center on Long Island. Sure fertilizer, snow shovels and Santa Claus just screams Christmas, but our annual holiday tradition was like Wile E. Coyote unpacking the latest Acme product and chasing after the Road Runner, so what the hell.
Hicks was a pleasant surprise, it didn’t have the Home Depot feel I pictured. Cristian entertained himself running between poinsettias, colorful displays, and a Christmas Village as Esther waited in line. However, new year, new location, same result. Cristian started wailing as soon as we put him on Santa’s lap, as if he told the baby he was getting coal in his stocking. He ignored me when I tried soothing him by mentioning coal mining was a dying industry.
Although preschool taught Cristian about Santa and he now points him out whenever he sees him images of him, we set the bar low this year. Once again, we dressed him up and headed to the mall but he wasn’t feeling it. Esther and I decided to go with Plan B when he froze at the front of the line.
We spent the past year collecting a library of cute images of Cristian. While it doesn’t exactly scream Christmas it did keep daddy from cracking open a tequila bottle when we got home from the mall. I dropped the cards in the mail this morning. Merry Christmas!
A few weeks ago, Cristian celebrated his third birthday—how did that happen. I still remember clicking my infant son’s car seat into its base so gently you’d thought I was handling a carton of eggs. Time passed and we’ve grown as parents. We don’t have it all figured out, but we aren’t tiptoeing into his room to see if he’s breathing anymore.
Parenting is on the job training. Here’s what 3 years taught me:
The Difference Between A Fake Cry And A Tantrum – It takes time to figure this one out, so let me educate you. Like its cousin, the tantrum, the fake cry is another one of those joyous ways toddlers communicate. If you can’t tell the difference, watch your child the next time he or she is freaking out at the cash register at Toys R Us or the supermarket checkout when you try taking away a toy or box of Fruit Loops. If your child is smiling, smirking, or checking if there’s an audience, it’s a fake cry. When fake cries are addressed quickly your adorable toddler soon returns to normal. Ignoring the fake cry runs the risk of the kind of full-fledged tantrum ensuring parents a trip to the drug store to stock up on condoms.
We’re Not Wrapping Him In Bubble Wrap – Esther and I approach playdates and playground days differently. We both want to wear him out but approach how we get there differently. Cristian is a super energetic toddler who is totally fearless when it comes to climbing things. He’s also clumsy, he gets that from me—sorry son. Wiping out, falling on his face, or crashing into things again and again is business as usual. He just smiles and continues playing before falling again. The difference is mom sees a trip to the emergency room, while I’ll laugh and take a few pictures before he gets up.
Converting from Crib to Toddler Bed is Game Changer – I miss the days when Cristian slept in a crib. It’s not me being sentimental—it’s purely practical—cribs form natural barriers. Once upon a time putting Cristian to bed was as simple as putting him down with a stuffed animal and a bottle and he was sleeping within 20 minutes.
After his second birthday, he became adventurous, staking out his bedroom they way convicts plan prison breaks. Then one morning, we were awakened by the sound of little feet running across his bedroom floor. Before long he was climbing in and out of his crib like a ninja, forcing us to convert the crib to a toddler bed and changing his bedtime dynamic for the three of us. More than once Esther or I have fallen asleep on the bedroom floor keeping Cristian in his crib-less environment.
Cristian and his stuffed animals in his crib planning their next break.
Find Your Tupperware Party – Growing up in the early 70s Tupperware parties were all the rage among the neighborhood moms. Becoming a parent some forty-years later, I have a fresh perspective on what they were about—a chance to socialize. Sure a few plastic containers were purchased here and there but that was secondary to emptying a few bottles of semi-fancy wine they couldn’t pronounce with the other moms while the kids were at school.
DIY projects were the dad’s equivalent of the Tupperware Party. Many of my friend’s dads spent countless hours planning and replanning projects around the house. Translation, hiding in the garage with a six pack and hidden stash of nuddie magazines. A new kitchen counter was eventually installed but the time away from their whiny kids was priceless.
Esther isn’t a big drinker and I’m all thumbs with power tools so we’ve had to find our own equivilent. On Sunday mornings, I’ll distract Cristian with breakfast and cartoons while Esther sneaks out for a morning run. (See the section on fake cries and tantrums if you are wondering why she’s sneaks out for her run). Later in the day, she takes over giving me some quiet time to write or go to the gym. It’s all about maintaing one’s sanity.
Couple Time is Important – We’ve come a long way since our first date night as parents. Esther’s sister watched the baby giving us a Valentine-ish date a few months after Cristian was born. It was just dinner and a movie, but we didn’t make it that far. When the movie ended, we went straight to the drive-through window, instead of a local restaurant, calling for my sister-in-law and nephew’s order before heading home.
At first, we were over protective but finding reliable babysitters remains a challenge. Lately we’ve gotten lucky, a friend or relative offering to watch our little guy giving us a chance to go out to dinner and not talk about preschool, daycare or developmental milestones.
Some Friends Will Disappear – Learning this one was rough. Everything starts out great when you’re new parents and the little one has the new baby smell but slowly things change. Friends slowly disappear, not all of them, but patterns develop. You hear things like, “we need to get together more often,” but they are never available when you try making plans. They’re always “busy” or “things are always crazy at work.” Then you see them out and about in numerous Facebook posts.
It’s A Kid’s Birthday Party Not A Coronation – I’m not a big fan of birthdays, I don’t make a big deal about mine, in fact only a few friends know the actual date—I prefer it that way. That said I’m not Ebenezer Scrooge when it comes to Cristian’s birthday.
I believe a child’s birthday party should be simple and about the child. Places like Chuck E. Cheese and Funtopia where kids run, play and have a slice of bad pizza and a piece of birthday cake are all you need. The guest list should be simple, parents, godparents, aunts and uncles actual auntsand uncles not the family friend claiming aunt or uncle rights and significant others, maybe a friend or two and their kids. That’s all you need. Isn’t it? Silly me.
My better half believes it takes a village to raise a child. I just didn’t think it meant inviting the entire village. Guests arriving at this year’s party reminded me of clowns spilling out that little car at the circus. It wasn’t just family, it was friends, neighbors and their pet goat Felipe. “Just because the barista at Starbucks puts a perfect foam on your latte doesn’t mean you have to invite her to Cristian’s party. One positive note was Felipe the Goat and I had a great time pounding Coronas down chased with chilled Patron shots.
So you’re expecting a baby? I’ve taken the same phone call several times over the past months. “Hey Frank, great news, Stephanie’s pregnant, we’re having a baby.” I flashed back to when I was the excited dad-to be making the same call. After wishing them well, and hanging up I thought, those poor bastards, have no clue what’s waiting for them.
Whether you got here tracking your ovulation cycles on an iPhone, used the test tube and turkey baster method, or maybe something more traditional, like Netflix and chill, your life will change drastically in the next month or so. If you’re somewhere between a little nervous and terrified I’ve written this guide so you can avoid some of the mistakes I made.
I love my son but parenthood is not all sunsets and rainbows. Here are a few things to expect.
The Baby Shower – Whether it’s planned by a group of old women who’ve forgotten the day isn’t about them, or a group of hipsters sipping Cosmos while noticing how good the Filipino surrogate looks for eight months along, this is an important part of the parenting process. Baby showers are the best way of filling your home with tons of free stuff, but it comes at a price, you will be sitting through hours of cheesy games like Baby Bingo, watching drunken women comparing C-Section scars, and navigating through enough estrogen to fill a swimming pool.
HelpfulHint –Remarking how fat your wife has gotten should be avoided at all costs.
You Have to Agree on a Name – I’ve mentioned this before but cannot stress the importance too many times. Pick a wimpy name and you’ve pissed off the person caring for you when you’re old and feeble. Let your wife make the decision without any input and the results can be disastrous.
Here are a few examples. Name your daughter Brandy, Ginger or Destiny and she might be swinging from a pole and bitching about you to Dr. Phil when she’s 19. Name your son Cody, Tucker, or Rene and risk a future of wedgies by the bigger kids in gym class. Most important name your child Bryce, Colt, or Tripp and risk him being the douchy kid who becomes the douchy adult.
Helpful Hint-Pick a name you’ll be comfortable yelling about 5000 times before your child’s fifth birthday.
Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid – My cousin Leslie gave me the best piece of advice when my son was born. She said, “Congratulations you just experienced the best moment of your life. Your first night alone with the baby will the worst.” We didn’t get much sleep during our first night at the hospital, but we had a charming Caribbean Baby Whisperer doing most of the heavy lifting.
Our first night at home reminded me of a Steven King novel. We had no system in place, camped out in the living room because our bedroom was too cold for a newborn, and struggled with a cranky baby who hadn’t gotten the hang of breast feeding but still managed to keep loading up diaper after diaper.
HelpfulHint-Remove the diaper too quickly and you will be cleaning more than the baby’s butt.
Friends Will Want to See the Baby — After you’ve been home a few days your friends will want to come over to see the baby. I thought I’d dread this but being locked up like a sequestered juror on a high-profile trial has a way of changing things. Don’t be shy when your friends ask, “What can I bring.” Think decadent, like lobster mac and cheese, or ravioli lasagna, it’s also helps you line up a pool of potential baby sitters.
Helpful Hint – Remember friends offering to bring dinner and baby sit only last a few weeks, so think big.
Buy Buy Baby is to Women what Home Depot is to Men — If you’ve been reading this blog, you’ll notice I keep coming back to this, because it’s important. You are going need all sorts of things for your child as they grow so you’ll be visiting places like Baby’s R Us, The Children’s Place and Buy Buy Baby a lot. I’ve found if I spend too much time shopping there with my wife, I start craving chocolate and bitching about the outfit she’s wearing.
Helpful Hint- Bring snacks and a fully charged tablet and grab a seat with the other Dads where they sell baby furniture , this is going to take awhile.
A few posts back, I shared my battle with maintaining a healthy weight. Before stepping off the scale, my better half and I knew we had to do something. We headed back to our old standby—Weight Watchers.
If you’ve never joined Weight Watchers you may have a few preconceived notions—I did before joining. Let me clarify a few. Weight Watchers meetings are not a group of hefty soccer moms holding a low-fat muffin in one hand and a Starbucks Venti cup in the other. Members don’t sit around listening as the group leader shares the latest recipes for low-calorie baked goods. Like Mommy and Me Class Weight Watchers meetings are not strictly women-only events, men go to Weight Watchers too.
If you are undecided here are a few things I noticed.
The Weigh-in – If you want the full Weight Watchers experience, start with the weigh-in. It’s not as entertaining as The Biggest Loser but it has its moments. Picture a long line of overweight people clutching little books and stripping down to as little as possible before climbing aboard the scale. It’s not a pretty sight, or so I’ve been told—repeatedly by the wife. If you’re hyper obsessive like we are, you wake up early on weigh-in mornings looking for ways to shave off an extra half pound. We’ve taken Chico for two-mile walks, done full gym workouts, and run half-marathons before stepping on the scale.
The Plan Changes Weekly or So It Seems – If you’ve jumped on and off the program like an adrenaline junkie at the X Games, you notice the plan changes—a lot. Staring over means another post-meeting walk of shame to your group leader so you can learn the latest buzz words and changes to the Points Plus plan. The only thing changing more is the celebrity endorser—I’ve been through Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Hudson, and Oprah during my many memberships.
They Sell More Products than QVC – If you’ve taken three children to Disneyland you have an idea of the kind of money a brand-new gung-ho member can spend. Offering a full catalog of branded products including starter kits, cookbooks, and prepackaged snacks, members can easily drop more dollars than pounds on the program.
It’s an AA Meeting for Fat People – Weight Watchers is a support group for those having an unhealthy relationship with food. Although we don’t introduce ourselves, “Hi I’m Frank and I’m a fat person,” meetings offer support and encouragement during those rough weeks. The group leader offers constructive suggestions and keeps the conversation from going off course. I’ve seen meetings sidetracked for twenty or thirty minutes as members discussed Oreo binges and debated the point value for a bag of microwave popcorn. One meeting went off the rails explaining the term food porn to a confused member. To this day I’m pretty sure she thinks it means something else.
But Seriously – I keep going back because the program works. I’ve learned portion control, healthy options, and not to get too down on myself after a bad week. Since starting on January 2nd, I’ve lost 17 pounds—a good start but still a long way off from my final goal. Sitting next to members who’ve lost over 70 pounds and have maintained it over ten years says maybe there’s hope for me too.