Time has a way of sneaking up on you. I have a hard time believing I’ve been a parent for over year and a half. Spending time with friends recently reminded me how much my life’s changed in that time. I love my son and being a dad, but it’s a lot of work.
This list is a public service to anyone thinking about starting a family. Take a good look, this is required reading. I invite any parent to add anything I missed or to share what lies ahead.
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- Did your better half’s pregnancy hormones make you look forward to your next prostate exam?
- Did picking a baby name remind you of Congress trying to agree on immigration reform?
- Let’s work on the nursery means she plans layout and design and you move furniture back and forth again, and again, and again.
- Are your wife’s friends using possessive terms like our baby?
- Are you calling them up at 3am because our baby was screaming like a banshee?
- Did you carry your newborn son around like Mufasa carrying Simba at the beginning of the Lion King?
- Did you show the baby to everyone on the maternity ward, including security guards and the maintenance staff?
- Was putting the baby in your father’s arms for the first time the best gift you ever gave him?
Dad holding Cristian. He was the best gift I could have given him. - Did it take you at least 45 minutes to figure out how to install the car seat correctly?
- Did you put the baby’s car seat into the car gently like you were handing a carton of eggs?
- Was driving your wife and child home from the hospital the slowest you’ve driven since you took your road test for your driver’s license.
- Was your first night home alone with your baby the scariest night of your life?
- Did the first few days of childcare make you feel like a sequestered juror on a high-profile trial?
- Friends and family will want to see the baby. This isn’t a bad thing.
- Remember when friends ask what can I bring, think big. It’s a limited offer so think surf and turf not chicken nuggets.
- I’ve spent many a sleepless night wonder at the logic of giving a baby with a well-functioning digestive system prunes.
- How long did it take to you to learn, babies will pee on you?
- Have the words onesie, boppy and binky become part of your vocabulary?
- Do the words Butt Paste make you giggle?
- I’m convinced anyone advising sleep when the baby sleeps, never took care of a baby.
- Things are easier if you know a good Baby Whisperer
- You will be required to take your child on a Baby Tour for the benefit of family members who couldn’t make it to your home.
- The dog or cat who was your child before the baby was born will go back to being a dog or cat. Sorry Chico.
- Don’t expect to sleep through the night for a few years.
- Why are the baby wipes and diapers always at the bottom of the diaper bag?
- Few things in life change your mood faster than a diaper blowout.
- Are you the only Dad in Mommy and Me class?
- Am I the only Dad whose nipples were sore after Mommy and Me class?
- Mommy and Me class will make you channel your parents.
- Do you wonder who is more annoying Daniel Tiger or Caillou?
- Competitive parents suck.
- Don’t be too anxious for the baby to start walking. Trust me.
- It’s okay to look silly in front of the baby.
- Your home will look like the Jersey Shore after Hurricane Sandy.
- Does Netflix and Chill mean you actually sit on the couch and watch a movie?
- How long did it take you to learn there are no quick trips to pick up anything for the baby?
- If you think babies don’t throw tantrums until they are two-years old, I have a surprise for you.
- Is getting your toddler to sleep a Darwinian Survival of the Fittest?
- Have you thought of putting a Fitbit on your toddler to see how many steps he takes in a day?
- Do you compare notes with other parents on the strangest places you’ve found poop and puke?
- Do you remember when being awakened at 3am meant you were getting lucky, now you hope the baby rolls over and goes to sleep once you’ve given him a bottle.
- Are your iPhone and iPad high-tech pacifiers.
- Have you told people, “Don’t let his smile fool you?”
- Do you flood social media sites with pictures of your child?
- Have your family and friends planned an intervention because of posting too many baby pictures?
- Have you chased a twenty-something working in GNC around the store with your screaming child to reinforce the importance of birth control?
- Do you think sitting in cramped airplane seat with a screaming toddler in your lap should be used as a fraternity-hazing ritual?
- Your child will soon crawl in and out of his crib with ninja-like efficiency.
- When you are singing Elmo’s Greatest Hits or humming the Pepa Pig theme, it’s time for a night out.
- Everyone is an expert. You will get lots of unsolicited advice from all sides. Get used to it.
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