Nine Things No One Tells You about Two Year Olds

Cristian taking off on the Rockaway Beach Boardwalk.

Once again it’s time for I’m Not Grandpa to provide valuable information for those considering having children.  Parenthood is pretty much a learn as you go proposition.  Sure you can pick up a parenting book or do a Google search but that’s time consuming.

In effort to save time I compiled my list of Things No One Tells You about Two-Year Olds.

You Spend a Lot of Time Chasing Them – Remember how excited you were when the baby took his first steps?  The excitement fades when you’re chasing after him.  I coach running, I’ve lead many speed drills—few prepared me for a hyperactive toddler possessing the curiosity of an MIT student and the speed of Usain Bolt.  Over the past year, I’ve chased Cristian around playgrounds, up and down Rockaway Beach’s boardwalk, and through the aisles at Target. The cashiers at Key Food barely look up as I’m chasing him as he turns lap after lap, while my better half does the grocery shopping.

Projectile Vomit – You thought diaper blowouts were bad, wait until you’re cleaning puke.  I’ve heard my share of horror stories but figured they were like nightmarish stories of appendix and gall bladder removals—not something everyone experiences.  Then it happened.  It starts with a splashing sound, and you find the baby standing in a puddle of vomit.  It’s not just on the floor—it’s on the walls, the bedding, maybe even the ceiling.  Think it’s over, not a chance.  After changing the bedding and scrubbing the room with Fabuloso and bleach, he’ll puke again, just to keep you on your toes.

Tantrums are New and Improved – You thought those early tantrums were bad, wait until the baby turns two.  Those early toddler tantrums were mere tremors warning you of the full-fledged earthquake looming on the horizon.  Two-year old tantrums include screaming, tearless crying, kicking, banging his head on the floor, and Daddy rushing off to the bar so he could meet his tantrum-support group.

Don’t let the face fool you. Be afraid, be very afraid.


Establishing a Regular Bedtime
 Routine– Getting there takes work and differs from child to child.  Some only need a bottle and they’re good to go.  If this is you, I hate you. We turned Cristian’s bedroom into a sensory-deprivation chamber, we soundproofed the walls, put blackout curtains on the windows, and tiptoed around like a submarine crew rigged for silent running.  Establishing a regular bedtime is important for a child’s development and his parents’ sanity.

The Consequences of Breaking the Bedtime Routine – There will be times when you break the baby’s routine. A word of warning, Keep this to an absolute minimum.  Life happens, friends visit, running errands took longer than planned, or he was so cute playing with blocks and puzzles you put him to bed an hour later than his regular bedtime.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, like when you downed that fifth tequila shot, and hit on the tall girl with the Adam’s apple during your college days.  Waking up the next morning with a monster headache, and a massive sense of what did I do, is nothing compared to waking, dressing and dropping off a pissed off sleep-deprived baby at daycare.

Babies Have No Sense of Sleeping in on the Weekend – This runs counter to my last point but two-year olds haven’t grasped the concept of sleeping in on a weekend morning.  Call it Baby Logic.  You had a long week and decide keeping him up until 2am feeding him Coco Puffs and Cotton Candy washed down with three Red Bulls is the best way to get an extra hour of sleep on Sunday morning.  Guess again, I guarantee he’ll be chirping the alphabet and figuring out how to climb out of his crib at 6:30 the next morning.

Don’t let the face fool you, Mommyitis can be rough.

Mommyitis 2.0 – In previous posts I described Mommyitis as: the baby emitting ear-piercing screams, similar to those an adult makes upon stepping in a bear trap.   Two-year olds scream just as loud, but now it takes less to trigger them. My son once became upset when he couldn’t find Mommy during a game of peek-a-boo.  Children are an extension of their parents, watching him clutched onto my better half, has convinced me of this.

You Spend Less Time Visiting Friends – Say goodbye to socializing with all but your closest and bravest friends—especially if their home isn’t childproofed. Much of the visit is spent eating in shifts, taking turns chasing the baby, and keeping him from climbing furniture, cabinets and entertainment centers.  That’s just for starters.  We’ve been blacklisted from a few homes having small dogs that couldn’t defend themselves.

Two Year Olds are a Great Source of Birth Control – If you read this blog you noticed I’ve never mentioned having another child—not even once. I’m a responsible parent who’s gone to great lengths educating those who think raising a child is just like taking care of a puppy.  I’ve taught, written and chased 19 year old employees at Costco, GNC and Target around the store, armed with words and a fully pissed off tantruming two-year old.  Sure the wife shakes her head, and pretends she doesn’t know me while I doing this, but it’s for the greater good.

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Chasing the Tazmanian Devil

cropped-Sent-to-Esther-3.jpgParenting is a time-consuming, energy-draining proposition.  Babies expect to be fed and those diapers need to be changed every day.  I knew this when I signed on, or thought I did.  Taking care of a baby is easy in theory.   Reality on the other hand…

During Esther’s pregnancy,  we debated baby names, Donald Trump and Ted Cruz had nothing on us, designed a nursery, she planned the layout while I moved furniture back and forth and back again and again and again, and stocked our home with every conceivable baby item.

I wanted to record Cristian’s birth, so we could show him the video every year on his birthday.  The doctor was onboard—the Go Pro Camera was strapped around his head and ready to go.  My better half objected, something about therapy being expensive.

Tummy Time - He hated Tummy Time.
Tummy Time – He hated Tummy Time.

Like most expectant parents, we thought had it all under control when in reality we had no clue.

As new parents we anxiously awaited each developmental milestone, lifting his head, tummy time, and crawling. We survived, sleepless nights, diaper blowouts and teething (wait that’s still going on).

Walking, or more accurately, chasing our walking baby is the challenge du jour.  We were so excited when Cristian took his first steps.  A baby’s first steps look a lot like college students on a St. Patrick’s Day Pub Crawl.  Before long they figure it out, and then it’s like chasing the Tazmanian Devil on Red Bull.

slide

Chasing a curious toddler down hallways and keeping him away from open doors and staircases requires teamwork (see my last post).  Think you’re keeping him out of the kitchen by putting a few chairs or a toy box in his way?  Guess again.

Cristian’s an amazing troubleshooter, climbing over and crawling under most obstacles.  He’s going to kill the Tough Mudder course in about 20 years, maybe 10, but that’s not helping me right now.

Hanging out with my brother last weekend didn’t help.  Ever the big brother, he let me in on a secret—we haven’t scratched the surface yet.  Thanks Bob, I knew I could count on you.  Oh well at the very least, I’m sure it will generate a post or two and give me some cross training once race season starts.

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Baby 2.0 – Your Survival Guide

Congratulations you survived the first year of parenthood!  It was rough but worth it. This post is an INTERVENTION to any parent thinking it gets easier from here on out.  In the coming year your adorable little one will be hitting a new set of developmental milestones.

You thought the first year was rough?  The year ahead will have you longing for little annoyances like a diaper blowout.  Forget everything you learned—that was merely the warmup—you are about to embark on Baby 2.0.

Here are a few things you can expect:

Don't let the smile fool you. You are in for a rough time.
Don’t let the smile fool you. You are in for a rough ride.
Walking is about to commence
Walking is about to commence

Walking – You knew it would happen—you either looked forward to it with anxious anticipation or dreaded it like the plague. Walking is a game changer—it’s crawling on steroids.  A walking baby means now more than ever you and your partner must work as a team, keeping watch on, and chasing after your child.  Those teams on The Amazing Race have nothing on a set of parents chasing down an eager toddler headed for an open doorway or towards a flight of stairs.

Tantrums – I’m going to let you in on a secret, toddlers throw tantrums.  Boy do they throw tantrums.   Thought you had a year of tranquility before the Terrible-Twos tantrums kicked in.  Surprise!  Fear not, tantrum support groups exist—they meet at most local bars.

Curiosity – In addition to walking your toddler is developing a sense of curiosity, as in how much will it take to piss Mommy off, or what can I do to make the vein in Daddy’s forehead buldge?  I’m not talking about crawling under the kitchen sink or banging pots and pans—today’s toddler goes after the big ticket items.  Nothing stimulates the mind of a fifteen-month old baby more than an iPhone, iPad or Smart TV remote. They become adept swiping the iPhone from Daddy’s pocket or grabbing the unattended iPad or remote sitting on the end table.  See the previous paragraph on Tantrums when you try taking one these devices away.

Get the Red Bull Daddy, because tonight It's On!
Get the Red Bull Daddy, because tonight It’s On!

Mommyitis Also known as Daddyitis (if Mommy isn’t around) or Separation Anxiety.  Your adorable social-butterfly child, the one who smiles at anyone in supermarket checkout lines or the mall, now emits ear-piercing screams, similar to those an adult makes upon stepping in a bear trap.  This happens when Mommy tries handing him off to Daddy or anyone else.  Simple things like heading to work or even to the bathroom must now be handled with the same covert urgency Seal Team Six uses in planning its ops.

Bedtime/Sleep C’mon you didn’t think the sleep thing was going to improve did you?  Do you also believe in unicorns and the tooth fairy?  Besides being awakened several times a night, bedtime becomes a Darwinian survival of the fittest.  Who will outlast who?  We’ve held the upper hand, but more than once the last one standing put the baby in his crib before taking care of the sleeping spouse.  Who thought the baby’s bedtime required Red Bull or a strong cup of coffee?

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